Just Thoughts..

I have been thinking a lot lately about why I feel the way I do, why I get in such a bad mood at work so fast, why I get irritated with certain people that I really should not be irritated with, why I have to have outward approval and significant friendship/relationships to make myself feel better. I dont know why but I do know that for the past month I have started to figure out that controlling your irritated mood at work makes a LIFETIME of difference, realizing you dont have to have anyone's opinion outside yourself matter (even though that is hard for me) because if you approve of yourself then nobody else's opinion matters. I have so much respect for my siblings, they are fearless, and they teach me every day, they are all amazing and look fantastic all the time and I hope I can be like that as I keep going through life. I worry about how I look (as most girls do I know) and how I compare to those around me. I know I will figure out how to get past this, even though it will take time.

I find that I struggle with larger groups, one on one I am great and myself and who I want to be, but get me in a bigger group and I shut down and listen to the conversation without contributing. I know this is not something that is detrimental but it is still something I wish was so different about myself.

I am a worrier and sometimes it gets the best of me. I think I worry most about knowing what I WANT to be and how I am finding the time to GET there. I always find something "more important" or more valid to spend my time on. I know I can reach my fitness goals, and I know I can look the way I want.

As for work, well its a work in progress. I am sick of my position as a receptionist and every day it gets a bit harder to sit here and take crap and deal with everyone. But I got a nice break because of school for the last few weeks, so hopefully I can just get back into the swing of things without too much of the irritated frustration. Or I just need to get really good at faking it! haha

On a lighter note, the last few weeks have been amazing for me, I have been realizing how much of an optimist I can be and more importantly how HAPPY I can be by just being me. I have never had that kind of confidence, of just being myself and being okay with that. I think I got in a rut for quite some time and pessimism took over but the last few weeks it feels like it is melting away, I am smiling, laughing, doing things that I would usually be to afraid to even try but "someone" (yes you all know who) makes me feel like its okay to try anything you want to as long as you have fun along the way.

Sorry for the rant (and its not as eloquent as Chelle) but I just wanted to talk, maybe help that mood at work today cause I am fighting it!!